I went to a concert last night. The seats were practically front row (7 rows back). I touched Tim McGraw’s hand and got a picture with one of the Warren brothers (the hot one). And, yet, it meant nothing to me. Well, in the moment I felt extremely excited and thrilled to be there but as soon as the moment passed… it was gone. I stared at the performers and tried to figure out why almost 23,000 people would pay about $50 to stand in 90+ degree weather, pay $11/beer, and scream until can’t for a man who sings. He has a wife, children, and a job. What really makes him any different than the average person? Tim McGraw and Lady Antebellum were awesome, really, but more people go to concerts than go to church. Yes, I paid money to go see the show but I realized we are all really just paying for the experience. Anyways, I realized that my life is segmented into moments of happiness, excitement, sadness, anxiety, etc. Each moment the emotion/feeling can change with no warning. I may try to think myself happy again or try to remember why I am sad but the moment passes. At funerals, I remind myself to cry. I will walk in and see the lifeless shell of someone I love and cry thinking that I will never see them again, but then that is it. One moment. Gone.
I would like to think that everyone is like this and to some extent I am sure people are. I just feel that I am incapable of staying in one emotion for an extended period of time and that concerns me, sometimes. Maybe I just have too many emotions. Maybe I am just too stressed to stay happy for too long because the thoughts of what has to be done resurface. Whatever the case, it is something I have noticed.
I have also been sick again, lately. Constant nausea. I feel hungry, so I eat, but then immediately regret the decision. I am unable to enjoy a day without feeling like I need to lie down and curl up in a ball and sleep the day away…because in my head that will ease my stomach. Nonetheless, with two jobs that task is not plausible. I must leave one job at 5 when the other starts at 5, so I am constantly rushing… constantly trying to catch up. I have no idea what I am supposed to do or how I should feel. I want to enjoy my summer, and yet, I want to be financially secure for the school year. I have tried to find a balance but it always seems to be tipping in the wrong direction.
To me, it seems everyone else is having fun and I am trapped in a house staring out the window at them laughing and playing but cannot seem to find a door to get outside and join them. I just want to feel apart of something again. I want to be back at school because I feel most at home there. Being there let’s me feel connected and grounded, and those are two things I need to feel the most. My 70 hour work week starts on Monday…and while doing this it seems that everyone else will be off doing something fun. Me, I have to work those 70 hours and then my one day off will be spent at a family reunion for ten hours talking to family I haven’t seen since last reunion and having to answer questions about college, jobs, my ex, etc. Definitely not a situation I want to be in alone. But, I will have my close family there to try to shield the stings. I guess I did not wholly prepare myself to face my first reunion alone in, oh, six years. Should be a blast!
But, in the end everything will find a way to be.
I will learn to just be.
Eventually.
